Equipping Series: Overcoming the Obstacle of the Pressuring Father of the Baby

As a continuation of our Equipping Series:  Overcoming Obstacles, this month we are going to to share about the reality of The Pressuring Father of the Baby (FOB).   

A pressuring FOB  is sometimes an obstacle our client’s face when making a decision to keep or abort their baby.  In a culture where fatherlessness is common and where adolescence is encouraged far past the age of 30 it is no surprise that young men are not responding to unplanned pregnancies with a sense of responsibility to step in to the role of supportive father. 

Keep in mind 81% percent of women said they would have decided to keep their baby if the FOB was supportive!

Read the article below to learn how you can help walk a friend, church member, co-worker or neighbor through this tough situation when faced with a pressuring FOB.

STOP!  BEFORE WE DIVE IN…

I want to personally invite you, men, to live in freedom and forgiveness of previous abortions that you have been party to in your life.  Perhaps it was in college, or when another mouth to feed in the family seemed impossible, or maybe she insisted on abortion when you were opposed to it…whatever your story, there is redemption for you.  You are welcome to participate in our man friendly post-abortion counseling at First Choice OR head over to the Guys for Life webpage and check out their online post-abortion study “Reconciled” (http://guysforlife.org/reconciled.htm). “Reconciled” connects you to a confidential, post-abortion healing facilitator/mentor for an online based curriculum to guide you to total healing from your abortion experience(s).  

How to Help a Man Who is Pressuring Their Partner for an Abortion
Talking to a man who is facing an unplanned pregnancy can take place through several different types of relationships.  He could be directly connected to your family (your son, daughter’s boyfriend, etc) but in other cases it could be a friend, co-worker, or classmate.   Asking questions and truly listening to the answers is the main way you can get to the heart of the issue and address it accordingly.  As the old sales adage goes, “They won’t care what you know unless they know that you care” so take enough time to get to the bottom of the issue before you start challenging him or hoisting solutions at him.  

This conversation can be conducted by a woman, but bringing a man in to this scenario can be very helpful.  The man will need to focus on using wisdom and discernment, to know when to be gentle or tough, and at times he may need to be very tough with the FOB.

Common causes a FOB may pressure for an abortion:
1) They aren't even in a real relationship with the mother of the baby, it was just a short lived fling and now a baby would connect them forever
2) There is a shortage of finances and he doesn't see how it can work
3) He was fatherless or had a negative father-son experience and is fearful of being a father
4) and/or he simply isn't ready or doesn't desire the responsibility.

Understanding which pressure is heaviest on him will help you assist him in moving forward.  For example, if he is just concerned about finances that is a fairly easy issue to address by challenging his current perspective, encouraging him in his career development, assuring him of your help in finding a job, budgeting, and making the finances work.  If it is just a financial concern you can be much tougher on him than if there is an emotional wound he is wrestling. 

Once you get to a common ground on why he is pressuring for abortion and built a relationship with him to the point of guiding him in his decision making then take the steps mentioned:

a.   Listen, Listen, Listen! A man, especially just a kid in high school or college, is scared to death of what a baby would mean for him.  

b.   What does your head say, your heart say, and your gut say?  This question helps identify if there is any internal conflict and how he is processing the decision—logical/reasoning; emotional; or intuition.  We all use all three but are generally more driven by one than the others.  If he is resting on logic then you can present the case for considering a LIFE decision by using logic; however, if he is being driven by emotions then you would begin with appealing to his emotions. 

c.   If circumstances were different what would you really want?  (circumstances: different girl, married first, in his career, more money, etc)  This question is a tad harder with men than with women because nearly all women will state their desire to have children whereas men are often more averse to fatherhood until they have a perceived control over their life. 

d.   What stands in the way of him stepping up to the plate and being an awesome father?  When you get to the heart of this question then you can explore removing whatever it is that holds him back from “manning up”.

2    Gently Bring Him Facts About His Child’s Development.  Ideally, you could bring him and his baby’s mother in for a medical appointment at a pregnancy center where the ultrasound and nurse consultation would walk them through this information but they may not be able or willing to come in with you.  If they are not willing then YOU need to be prepared to share this information.

Find out how far along they are in the pregnancy then simply bring them fetal development facts http://www.babycenter.com/fetal-development-week-by-week through simple questions like "did you know your child has a heartbeat, fingerprints are forming, and the central nervous system is functioning?"  "Did you know the baby has all its organs and is simply growing bigger at this point?" and then follow up with "how does that make you feel?" 

Sit in the silence while he processes the fetal development information. 

The goal is to help him recognize the baby growing in his girlfriend (baby’s mother) is a little human being and HIS family member, one that can bring great blessing even though he or she wasn't in the plan.  If he is a Christian then remind him of God's loving hand and sovereignty in their lives.

3. Talk About Abortion Risks and Procedures and Emotional Damage. 

a. Abortion effects on women: Often post abortive women suffer from many after effects including depression, digestive and sleep disorders and relationship problems.  Tell him how the abortion could affect the baby’s mother if they abort http://www.carenetpregnancycenter.com/abortionproceduresandrisks.htm

If he is in a committed relationship with the baby’s mother then share that aborting could cause her to resent him and ultimately damage their relationship.

b. Abortion effects on men: Contrary to popular belief, men do not go unharmed by abortion.  Men are created by God to be protectors and providers of women and children, when he pressures for abortion he is going against how God created him and he will likely reap an emotional consequence that he never imagined.  

Post-Abortion Stress in Men  

•  Uncontrolled anger, anxiety  
•  Increased rate of domestic violence 
• Depression; suicide ideation
• Tendency toward risk-taking experiences 
• Inability to bond or commit to current or future partner, children, etc. 
• Fragile ego; feelings of inadequacy; low self-esteem 
• Overwhelming feelings of shame, guilt, grief or loss (empty, black hole) 
• Addictions (drugs, alcohol, sexual addictions) 
• Mistrust of Women 
• Fear of all kinds: fear of failure; rejection, etc. 
• Sexual dysfunction, including impotence

3). Share Information About Adoption As an Option.  Placing the baby for adoption takes great courage and this is a way he could lead as a father to provide a loving home to his child. Adoption provides for the child while also allowing the birth parents to pursue their life goals bringing positive results from a negative situation.

There are clearly challenges to this option if the mother of the baby wants to parent, but it is a decision he can advocate for and ask her and their families to explore as an option. Offer information about local adoption agencies as a viable choice and all the benefits it can bring.

To learn more about the most common types of adoption (open, semi-open, & closed) visit our partnering organization, Bethany Christian Services: http://www.bethany.org/main/pregnancy-resources/choosing-adoption

When all is said and done, you are seeking to help him see a few main points:
1)    There is a human being involved and that he or she shares his DNA.
2)    His dreams and goals aren’t ruined; he will just have to adjust how he pursues them.
3)    Being a real man means taking responsibility for his child whether he will stay in a  relationship with his baby’s mother or not. 
4)    He is not alone; he will have a lot of help because he has YOU to advocate for him!  Also, at First Choice, we commonly see that our supporters are most excited to help men who are stepping up to the plate!  We have parenting and life skills programs to serve as a foundational education that undergirds his success and when coupled with the support of a family and church body he is best equipped for success.